There are a lot of things we all do when we’re alone that no one fully admits to.
You know that fake laugh you do when you’ve completely zoned out and stopped listening to someone when they’re talking, so you just awkwardly laugh instead?
Well, there’s no need to be embarrassed anymore because it turns out everyone does the exact same thing.
We’ve made a list of all the best ones. Let us know if you do them too (you do).
Holding your breath when you walk past someone on the stairs to pretend you’re not knackered
We’ve all done it, acted like we’re a healthy individual when we’re actually absolutely puffed walking up just one flight of stairs.
Keeping your eyes closed when you go to the toilet at night to not lose any ‘sleepiness’
Going to the toilet at night is a monumental task, you really have to psych yourself up to get out of your comfy cocoon, even when you’re absolutely bursting.
Do you ever start the song again because you zoned out?
You know when you get half way through and realise you’ve not given the masterpiece enough attention, so you have to restart it? I’ve done this three times in a row once.
We all pretend to not notice the money in a birthday card
You know exactly what I mean for this one, you open the card, actually put your finger on the notes to hold it up, read the carefully written message from your nan as she stares patiently at you, waiting for your face to light up when you notice the money. It’s a beautiful act of caring, really.
Acting surprised when someone offers you a snack, when they are offering the whole room
You know EXACTLY what I mean here. It’s usually accompanied by an ‘Oooohh’, *big smile*, and then a ‘thanks so much’. Sometimes you might add a comment in like ‘these are my favourites’. We’re just too damn polite.
Pretending you have a lot more money than you do
This isn’t even a mean one. You know when you ask what the price of something is, even though the fact it doesn’t have a price tag on means you definitely can’t afford it? Then they tell you the price, which is way over your budget and you have to pretend like you’re still debating it.
You will usually end up saying ‘Thanks, I’ll think about it’. No you won’t. Get outta there.
When you ordered something three minutes ago
If you’re not doing this everyday in lockdown, you’re not doing it right.
Texting ‘LMAO!!!!! OMG I’m SCreeamminngggg’ back when you barely even loled
Who has time to laugh anyway!!!?!
When you turn the volume down so you can spot a free car parking space
The best bit about this one is that we all used to watch our mums do it. Complain. Then we learned how to drive and now we do it.
When you can’t sleep so you workout exactly how many hours, minutes and seconds of sleep you would get if you fell asleep right now.
“If I fall asleep right now I’ll get 6 hours, 12 minutes and 32 seconds, 31 seconds, 30 seconds”. Maybe it’s a modern way of counting sheep. And by modern I mean since clocks existed.
Alternatively, when you wake up, check the clock and realise you still have 4 more hours before your alarm so have a mini celebration. Props to you if that includes a little laydown dance.
When you zone out while driving and wonder how you just got through those three roundabouts
When you’re back from your daydream you panic, check your speed to see if you’re over the limit, stress about how many red lights you’ve just run and generally wonder who the hell gave you a driving license.
Waiting for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again…
Do you ever just stare at it ringing and wait until it stops? iPhones have that wonderful feature too that means it stops making noise or vibrating but doesn’t count as you hanging up. It’s so frustrating that someone would interrupt your game on Candy Crush to caaaaallll you. Who even calls these days anyway?!
When you leave a shop without buying something and have to remind yourself you are, in fact, innocent
Why do we panic about this so much? You didn’t stick a Microwave down your pants, DON’T WORRY!! Something didn’t accidentally fall in your bag either.
That weird half-smile you give to strangers
Don’t even pretend like you don’t do this one. Every single person is guilty of this. It’s the type of smile that really stretches your lips and absolutely definitely does not show any teeth. Why can’t we smile at strangers with our teeth? Or in fact, just our normal smile??
This smile is also used a lot in offices. You know these people, you could probably recite their email address right now if I asked you to, but smile at them with teeth?!? Say hello?!! GOD NO!
Turns out, we’re all still doing it even in the pandemic! Actually, chloeplumstead did a poll over on her Instagram recently which proved people are inclined to do the stranger nod/smile in the pandemic more than ever. Even some people in London are doing it, if you can believe that.
When your online shopping comes to £435.97 but the £4.99 shipping is too much
THE AUDACITY. The most bizarre thing about this is we’d all rather pay for an annual delivery fee for something we will probably never order again than pay that £4.99.
Everyone’s a suspect when you’ve lost the remote
That person could quite literally not have moved in four days from that seat but you will still make them stand up when you’ve lost the remote…. ‘it could’ve fallen DOWN!!!’ I’ve heard families have broken up over lost remotes.
Do you ever just…
WHAT IS WRONG WITH US ALL???
Shoppers have come up with a genius hack to unlock trolleys without £1
This is a great hack!
Supermarket shoppers have shared a perfect hack to get a trolley even when you don’t have a pound!
With face masks now being mandatory in supermarkets, the list of things to remember for your weekly shop is getting longer by the minute.
Mask, reusable bags and a pound coin – too much to remember for anyone that!
One of them is going to give and with not wearing a mask landing you a hefty £100 fine you better hope it’s the pound coin and you struggle piling everything into a basket instead.
Some savvy shoppers have come up with a genius trick of using two 20p pieces together and it works ‘perfectly’.
Others are wary with one user writing “Tried this and it works but I couldn’t get my 20ps back [it] jammed the trolley.”
Others use their house keys while some use the key off a corned beef tin.
You can get reusable key rings that work just as well – or just don’t forget your quid! But we can’t all be that organised, can we?!
The UK’s sexiest places have been revealed and it’s bad news for Greater Manchester
Turns out Manchester is pretty kinky…
Love Honey UK has released a ‘UK Sex Map’ which documents just how sexy a city or town really is.
Naturally, I was straight on there to see just how dirty Manchester and all the surrounding boroughs really are.
As it turns out, we’re all pretty filthy!
Although we don’t make it into the top 10, not even the top 100, compared to Liverpool which ranked at 501, Leeds at 382nd place and Hull in 504th, a nice 157th place for Manchester is pretty good going.
It turns out Sale-folk like things pretty vanilla in the bedroom, only coming in 719th place. Salford’s pretty beige too, with their sexy encounters coming in just after Sale at 720.
Stalybridge comes in at 569, and are more likely to order vibrators, roleplay costumes – particularly school girl – and anal toys. They like things XL with an average dildo size of 7.25 inch.
It turns out the people of Altrincham love being minty fresh with their favourite lube flavour of mint, and having a fantasy about sexy secretary costumes. It comes in at the 536th sexiest place in the UK.
Bolton is the 468th sexiest place with an average dildo size of 7 inches. Bolton also comes in at 428th place for strap-on affinity.
Bury-folk like a good old seven-inch dildo, just like Bolton, but come in 416th place for anal toys.
Beating them all though is Cheadle, coming in as the 19th sexiest place in the whole of the UK, you kinky little so and so’s!
It turns out the people of Cheadle are regular purchases of bondage items, ranking 10th in the whole of the UK, 20th for vibrators, 25th for Butt Plugs and 30th for Roleplay products.
The most popular searches by people in Cheadle include – but are by no means are limited to – lube, cock ring, vibrator, latex and sleeve.
They, like most places, are opting for a fresh mint flavoured lube and seven-inch dildos but have a very strong affinity for French Maids and Butlers in their wildest fantasy dreams.
Dukinfield has got a particular dream about schoolgirl costumes, but comes in at a pretty low 606th on Love Honey’s sexy scale.
Heywood like ’em big, with the average dildo coming in at a huge 7.5 inches, and Heywood-folk come in a pretty nice 600th place for butt plugs.
The city centre, on the other hand, comes in 157th place, placing in the hundreds for roleplay, butt plugs, vibrators, bondage and anal toys. City Centre people enjoy mint lube and 6.5-inch dildos.
Wigan ranks shortly after the centre in a respectable 163rd place, but actually ranks 87th in the country for roleplay items and 131st for vibrators.
Hyde and Oldham all like simple fantasy and roleplay costumes and are pretty average for the sex toy orders. Rochdale is pretty similar on all accounts but opts for a seven-inch dildo.
Find out where your town ranks on the Sex Map here.
Jason Donovan and Wet Wet Wet are headlining a virtual ‘80s festival this weekend
A special online festival featuring some of the biggest names from the ’80s, all raising money for charity, is happening this weekend.
80s Lockdown Fest will be headlined by the likes of Tony Hadley, Wet Wet Wet and Jason Donovan, streaming live to your living room on Saturday May 16th.
The festival has been put together to support the charity Child Bereavement UK which provides support to families who have experienced the loss of a child.
Also on the lineup will be Chesney Hawkes, ABC, Howard Jones and Midge Ure. The festival will be hosted by Pat Sharp and Dave Benson Phillips, and it will take place on the day that should have kicked off the Lets Rock 2020 festival.
The festival will be completely free to watch on YouTube and Facebook, but donations are encouraged to Child Bereavement UK.